grad school: a visual

This is what graduate school looks like.

Especially when you are miles behind on a [huge] project that is due in 6 weeks. And things like 1023, 990, budget, outcome reports, bylaws, and incorporation articles keep popping up. Things that you haven't the slightest idea how to do.

The glamorous life this is not.

not pictured:
-my dwindling sanity
-the inordinate amount of stress i feel
-the rest of my apartment that looks like a bomb has gone off
-the copious amonts of diet coke helping me through it all

giving in

I'm beginning to realize that it is nearly impossible (for me) to attempt to keep any healthy habits during grad school. Exercising and balanced diets fall by the wayside as I attempt to finish assignments or commute 40 minutes to a job that sucks the soul from me on a daily basis. So, I've simply decided to embrace it.

Yes, I may get fast food after standing for 8 hours at work and being yelled at by rude guests all day and repeating the same things a million times over. And yes, I may not squeeze in a run because I have to finish reading for class in the time I'm actually home to do so. Maybe my apartment often looks like a bomb went off in it because I'm too busy rushing out the door at 6 in the morning and don't get back for 16 hours.

Instead of being mad or disappointed in myself because I just had to have a Diet Coke at the end of a particularly bad time, I'm simply going to embrace it all. Because at least I got up and tackled that bad day and survived. Nor am I going to get too terribly upset if the scale inches up a couple of pounds because I went to McDonald's instead of cooking something healthy because I am so sick of standing after an 8 hour day of work.

Grad school + working full time just don't equal a super healthy lifestyle for me right now. I wish that I could find a lasting groove in those habits, but currently, I find it difficult to even get 5 hours of sleep a night.

This is a challenging time in my life. I know that I will probably never have to work as hard as I am working now, so I need to be giving myself the ability to let some other things fall by the wayside. Like my effort to abandon Diet Coke or run 5 times a week.

I do believe that exercising and eating right is an important part of life and maybe I should make it a priority right now, but that stack of readings for class Thursday night and a 10 page proposal due in 6 weeks and an entire semester-long project that has yet to be started and the bills that need to be paid have to be more important than running 2 miles and eating my greens for dinner.

Right now, survival [+ paying bills and getting my masters] is key, everything else has to take a back seat.

the road not taken

I shall be telling you this with a sigh
Somehow ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken

Choices.

That's what it all comes down to in life - the choices you make. Or the ones you don't.

Often times, you make the right choice and are duly rewarded. Sometimes, you make the wrong choice and you learn quickly of your mistake. And there are times, when you make one of those two choices - right or wrong; black or white - and you never really learn which choice you made. If it was good or bad, right or wrong. You're left to wonder in the gray area.

As a perfectionist (in denial, I might add) choices are hard for me. No matter what I choose, I always think I'm making the wrong choice. It's hard to know - to leap blindly towards the future by making a choice - if you're ever going to pick the right thing.

I put off choosing what I'd be going to graduate school for until weeks before I graduated from undergrad. And the stress that led towards that decision was nearly unbearable. The choices that lay before me were numerous and daunting. All of them with good points, yet all of them with negative points as well.

But then, I finally chose and leapt blindly, faithfully, towards my decision.

Many things went into that choice. My ability to get into the program, the chance to do something good in the world, the belief that I was perfectly suited for the degree. There was also one thing that drove me towards my decision - how absolutely, perfectly practical the degree was.

I realize that most people turn their nose up when I mention that I'm getting my masters in nonprofit management. Most people don't really know what it is and are turned off by the words 'nonprofit' But what most people don't understand that the degree itself, is helpful, not only in the world of charitable organizations, but in every sector. Yes, my concentration is nonprofits, but the curriculum is filled with management courses (even accounting courses).

So, yes, my degree is practical. It's also something that ensures I will be helping people and serving my community and fellow man.

But here's the thing: I'm starting to doubt just how good this practical choice was for me. I often leave class in confusion or tears - sometimes both. After spending 2.5 extra hours after class where I was ridiculed and had a paper torn to shreds by a professor, those niggling little doubts that I chose the wrong thing began to pop to the front of my mind.

Perhaps it's the stress. Or the blow to my ego. Maybe it's everything combined that's making it difficult right now and I'll grow out of it with time. But right now, in this moment, I wish I would have picked on terms of passion instead of practicality.

I wish I would have picked the road less traveled.

Maybe that would have made a world of difference.

Or maybe not.

But, for now, I'll just continue to live in the gray area until I know for sure.

the first day of school

I've always been one to consider the first day of school a big day. Whether it's the first day of high school, college, beauty school. I think it's a milestone in your life. The very first day. Time for a fresh start - a new year, new faces, new notebooks. Everything starts anew and the future lays before you a blank slate, ready for you to make your mark.

It's a day for endless possibilities.

In the spirit of those new possibilities before me, I woke up at the crack of dawn (6:30 am!) to get ready for the day before me. That mostly included throwing on some clothes and doing some last minute reading for the first day of class (why yes, I am a slacker already, before school even starts).

And because new beginnings always mean new wardrobes - at least they do for me - I had some new clothes to pick from for my first day of school outfit. Even though it's grad school I'm starting, I still think requires a back-to-school outfit for the first day. There's plenty of time in the semester to slink back to jeans and t-shirts, the first day requires something special.

With no audience (my mother) to model all my choices for, I debated with myself what I should wear. Professional? Casual? Business casual? I wasn't quite sure what grad school would call for or what the other students would be supporting, so I played it safe and went with this:

Dark wash trouser jeans and a deep red blouse. So, a business-casual-ish look. With cute brown Mary Janes ($15 at Target!).

I paired it all with the necklace above. This necklace is not only an accessory but a little boost of courage. Beneath the compass is a line from my favorite poem, Invictus by Henley which always reminds me that it is within me to succeed. That I am the one who has the power to break me or make me.

It's inspiring. Two simple little lines from a poem gives me all the courage I need to leap blindly into the future; into the endless possibilities awaiting me.

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley, Invictus.

berry berry busy

I had thought that my first week of living here would be basically spent in my new apartment. Unpacking, arranging, and organizing. I thought I'd only leave my apartment for a trip to the grocery store. It hasn't really gone that way, however. I've been forced to leave the confines of my apartment every single day since I've been here. Mostly for work-related stuff. It's just that each jaunt to my new place of employment requires a 35 minute drive both ways.

Come Saturday, things will only get busier and more hectic. Saturday marks my first day of graduate school (yes - Saturday). With only a couple days left until I start school, my nerves are starting to kick in. I haven't been to school in 9 months and I've rather enjoyed the break. So, it's going to be hard going back. Especially to a new campus, in a new town, with a graduate-level workload.

I've started being a slacker student already, so I'm not off to the greatest start. Tonight was new student orientation and in the midst of the move, I didn't RSVP in time, so... no orientation for me. But, I find that orientations are usually hours of my life I'll never get back and I usually leave more confused than when I came.

So, I'm just enjoying these last free days of mine (though, they haven't been completely free) until I start school on Saturday and my first day of work at my new job on Monday.

I will be a very, very busy bee, that is fact. So, in the spirit of my upcoming business, I decided I would need to have a very portable breakfast/snack for my long commutes to school and work. Hence, my berry berry smoothie. I whipped this up this morning so I'd have something to eat (drink) in the car on my way to the workplace to fill out paperwork. Be forewarned, I am not, by any means, a cook, so... just because this is edible to me, doesn't mean it will be to others.

Megan's Berry Berry Smoothie:

• Handful of ice
• 1 cup of frozen mixed berries (I used strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries).
• Two-ish pours of Stonyfield Plain Organic yogurt (I don't eat plain yogurt by itself, but it's great for smoothies. And organic is where it's at. I try my best to eat as organically as possible).
• 3/4 of a banana
• ... and because 'green' smoothies are all the rage on a lot of food blogs I frequent, I tried a big pinch of spinach.
  
  

  

Blend all ingredients (which are just approximates of what I put into my smoothie) until they're a smoothie-like consistency. And enjoy!

I think next time, I'd add the whole banana and some more yogurt, probably the entire serving size, which is 1 cup. And I could probably even do with more spinach, because, honestly, I wasn't able to taste it. A great way to hide the greens!

It really was a great, healthy antioxidant packed smoothie. Perfect for on-the-go busy bees.

nonprofit management

Now that I'm getting down to the wire, more and more people - from friends to strangers - are beginning to ask me what the heck is making me move (especially when I always seem so dang reluctant about it). The answer that follows is always graduate school. And with that answer comes yet another question: what are you getting your master's in? When I respond with nonprofit management, I am always, always met with a blank stare.

No one seems to know just what nonprofit management is.

To be honest, I didn't know such a degree existed until last December myself. After my second attempt at the GRE (Graduate Record Exam aka The Worst Test You Will Ever Take in Your Entire Life) didn't go so well and my initial plans of going to graduate school for social work were rapidly going out the window, I began to research other options. Graduate school was always the next step for me, I just had to figure out what I would be going to school for.

I searched aimlessly through my state's universities in hopes of finding something that would click. And that would accept me despite my horrendous GRE scores. Not an easy task, I assure you.

Especially since I had absolutely no idea what it was I wanted to do with my life. With only a few weeks left until I graduated from undergrad with a bachelors in psychology, I was feeling the pressure to figure out what I was going to be when I grew up. I have never been one of those people who always knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. It's ranged from doctor to veterinarian to grocery store clerk to the Queen of England. My passion has never been focused in just one place. It's rather fluid, actually. Leaping from one place to another at a moment's notice. I consider myself a wanderer, a searcher. So, all of that combined made it even harder to focus my efforts and choose a graduate program.

My sophomore year of college, I buckled down and picked psychology as my major. That's where the bulk of my passion was concentrated (at the moment, at least) and I knew it was the right choice for me. It also gave me a solid base to stand on for the ultimate goal of social work. So, I take all of the appropriate steps to take myself even closer to that goal. Only, the plans started to fall through and my passion began to drift and I knew that it was not the right choice for me.

I'm proud of my psychology degree. Psychology will always endlessly fascinate me. It will always be a passion. But, on it's own, it's useless. I knew that jumping in, but I jumped anyways. And I'll never regret that.

Besides, my second choice was even less practical (English) so all things considered, it was a good choice. And gave me solid ground to stand on for when I made the ultimate choice to apply to the graduate program in nonprofit management.

When I first discovered the master's of nonprofit management, it instantly clicked with me. Not only is it a more practical degree (management!) it combines my need to do something good and useful for society. The only requirement I've ever had for my career goals is that it involves helping people in some way and makes a difference. The curse of a do-gooder.

So, what exactly is nonprofit management?

The simple answer is basically that it gives me the tools I need to work in a nonprofit (a charity, if you will, ie: The Red Cross, Salvation Army, etc). It will also enable me to write grants, run a business, raise money, and basically all those other important managerial skills one needs.

When I answer what is nonprofit management with this, I often earn more blank stares and head scratches. The nonprofit gets people, I think. I've never claimed I would do something that would make me a millionaire (I mean, I'm certainly not against it) the real goal in all of this is to simply make a difference; to do some good for the world I'm a apart of. That's what influenced this choice.

People don't often understand that deep desire of mine, however.

And then, after that long-winded (and probably not fully understood) answer to what nonprofit management is, I get this question: So, what are you going to do with that?

My answer is usually the same: I don't know.

It's true. I don't really know. Obviously, the goal is to work in a nonprofit some day. To run one, really. Particularly doing something that I'm passionate about. I'm just not sure where, exactly, this degree will get me. Some place wonderful, I hope.

I do admit that I have a dream. A dream that was once forgotten, but quickly remembered once I stumbled upon this degree. A dream that I hope will one day be realized. I hope, I hope...

For now, I'm getting my master's in nonprofit management. What, exactly, I'm doing with it, I wont know until I get there. But, eventually, I believe this will lead to the ultimate goal I have - the once forgotten dream of mine.

I hope, I hope...

*photo: rome, italy. trevi fountain