grad school: a visual

This is what graduate school looks like.

Especially when you are miles behind on a [huge] project that is due in 6 weeks. And things like 1023, 990, budget, outcome reports, bylaws, and incorporation articles keep popping up. Things that you haven't the slightest idea how to do.

The glamorous life this is not.

not pictured:
-my dwindling sanity
-the inordinate amount of stress i feel
-the rest of my apartment that looks like a bomb has gone off
-the copious amonts of diet coke helping me through it all

i know a girl, she puts the color inside of my world.

On a quick trip back to the homeland, I met with my very pregnant friend Lindsey to take some maternity pictures of her (she only asked me because I'm the one with the fanciest camera).

I've never done a photo shoot before, but it turned out great. It helps that Lindsey is very photogenic and thrilled about bringing this little girl into the world, so it comes across easily in every (all 275) picture I snapped.

Meet Lulu.

Lauren (picked by yours truly) Elaine is due January 19th and I cannot wait to meet her.

The only payment I required? Feeling Lulu kick. Which was, hands down, one of the coolest things I've ever felt. It's pretty amazing thinking that a tiny little human is twirling and twisting inside of your best friend's stomach. And that in just a few months she'll be with us and grow into her own little person.

The entire time I was with Lindsey, I kept repeating "I cannot believe you're really pregnant." She shared the same sentiment. It is just exciting and amazing to think that one of my best friends will be bringing a child into this world in a few short months, making me an [honoary] auntie.

I am thrilled about little Lulu. My bank account however? Not so thrilled.

But who can resist cute baby girl shoes?

giving in

I'm beginning to realize that it is nearly impossible (for me) to attempt to keep any healthy habits during grad school. Exercising and balanced diets fall by the wayside as I attempt to finish assignments or commute 40 minutes to a job that sucks the soul from me on a daily basis. So, I've simply decided to embrace it.

Yes, I may get fast food after standing for 8 hours at work and being yelled at by rude guests all day and repeating the same things a million times over. And yes, I may not squeeze in a run because I have to finish reading for class in the time I'm actually home to do so. Maybe my apartment often looks like a bomb went off in it because I'm too busy rushing out the door at 6 in the morning and don't get back for 16 hours.

Instead of being mad or disappointed in myself because I just had to have a Diet Coke at the end of a particularly bad time, I'm simply going to embrace it all. Because at least I got up and tackled that bad day and survived. Nor am I going to get too terribly upset if the scale inches up a couple of pounds because I went to McDonald's instead of cooking something healthy because I am so sick of standing after an 8 hour day of work.

Grad school + working full time just don't equal a super healthy lifestyle for me right now. I wish that I could find a lasting groove in those habits, but currently, I find it difficult to even get 5 hours of sleep a night.

This is a challenging time in my life. I know that I will probably never have to work as hard as I am working now, so I need to be giving myself the ability to let some other things fall by the wayside. Like my effort to abandon Diet Coke or run 5 times a week.

I do believe that exercising and eating right is an important part of life and maybe I should make it a priority right now, but that stack of readings for class Thursday night and a 10 page proposal due in 6 weeks and an entire semester-long project that has yet to be started and the bills that need to be paid have to be more important than running 2 miles and eating my greens for dinner.

Right now, survival [+ paying bills and getting my masters] is key, everything else has to take a back seat.

this boy.

Is my hero.

photo: kuwait

the single girl's survival guide

I have actually acclimated to living alone better than I thought I would. It's definitely not as scary as I imagined it would be - especially when I'm in a new town where I don't know a soul and the only people who could rescue me are 3.5 hours away.

My one downfall is that I have an overactive imagination that sometimes gets the best of me. I have my moments where I swear there is a murderer hiding in my closet, a intruder just waiting for me to come home, or a ghost just waiting in the wings (or, in my case, watching Cartoon Network at 4 in the morning, but that's another story...).

So, I have a few precautions in place to make sure that I'm no one's victim (well, except for the ghosts, I'm not sure, exactly, how you defend yourself against that).

1. Pepper spray + keys.

When I get home late at night from work or just when I'm uncomfortable in a situation, I have one finger on my pepper spray. It was a gift from my friend's grandma and I keep it on my key chain for those just in case moments. The keys can also be used if you put them between your knuckles so that if you try to hit someone, you've got a little extra defense.

2. Phone.

I always have my phone on me. I keep it beside my bed at night, too. Just in case. It makes me feel safer knowing I always have it on hand. If there are any moments where I doubt my safety may be in jeopardy, I already have the first 2 digits of 911 dialed. Just in case. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

3. Locks.

This one's pretty common sense - but I keep my doors locked at all times. Latch and all. And I always look out the peep hole if anyone knocks.

4. A weapon.

This is an extremely bad example of a weapon. But, a hammer is all I have to defend myself from possible intruders. A baseball bat of golf club would be ideal so that you can remain as far as possible from someone. I don't believe in getting myself a gun because it would probably cause more harm than good in my case, but even having something as small and ordinary as a hammer makes me feel a bit safer living on my own. I keep it next to my bed. Just in case.

5. A scary attack animal.

Well. 4/5 isn't too bad.

this is how you know...

... you really need to do dishes.

Eating ice cream out of the carton with a measuring spoon.

In my defense, I am a full-time graduate student with a full time job that takes up 50 hours of my week, so taking 30 seconds to clean wash a spoon seems like an exorbitant amount of time.

the very newest obsessions

I have mentioned before that I have a somewhat obsessive personality. I fall in love with things (not people - things) pretty quickly and it just takes off from there. These newest obsessions of mine are all things that help to make me happy. And during this time in my life, that is exactly what I need.

Yellow is the new pink. I am obsessed with the color - especially in the form of my new curtains.

They make me happy every time I look at them.

Other new favorite colors include: gray which speaks to my melancholy mood. Especially gray in the form of this cardigan from Old Navy.

And blue. But not just any blue. The color-of-my-eyes blue. They are a gray-ish, teal-ish blue that I'm just starting to appreciate. I have long envied my brother's beautiful blue/green eyes, but I'm beginning to embrace my blue/gray eyes.

Other obsessions include: This song by Owl City. It makes me happy. My favorite lyrics are a soc hop beneath my bed / a disco ball is just hanging by a thread. They speak to happy memories with those two things: a soc hop and a disco ball.

Also, this show. And my new goal of seeing this musical. I am asking for tickets for Christmas, you should too.

Those are my happy obsessions. I'll take just about anything these days to make me happy.

hometown identity crisis

"Where are you from?"

This is probably the most asked question where I live now. Most people who live here are transplants. It's rare to come across someone who was actually born and raised here. If they're not from another state, they're from another country. So, the question is a typical one.

While this question is a simple one, I have trouble answering.

I feel as though I grew up in two places. I moved right in the middle of my formative years. Currently, my life has been split evenly between two different states. So, when asked this question, I always hesitate.

Technically, I suppose my hometown would be considered the town I spent the first few years of my life. That small, Midwestern town where I had many great memories with childhood friends. I did many things there that I could never have done in a larger town and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful to have had that opportunity, especially in a time when kids spend more time indoors than out and are sheltered from many chances for adventure because of the fear of predators. I lucked out, partly because I was in a small, sleepy town.

But right in the middle of all of that, I was uprooted and moved south. I had to begin all over again in a new, larger town. One that I eventually learned to love as my own. A town that over the years, became home to me.

So, I struggle to answer this question, "where are you from?"

I normally take the easy way out and answer with the town I just moved from. It's more recognizable and involves fewer follow-up questions. Besides, I am no longer a stereotypical Midwesterner. I don't like beer, cheese, the Packers, or cold weather. And I've long since dropped my Midwestern accent.

Besides, most people here in the big city think that the hometown I choose to answer with is all country. They imagine dirt roads, farms and cows where everyone talks with a thick southern accent and wears a cowboy hats. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am from a cultural hub - film festivals, ballets, and operas flock there. There's no end to the fine dining and the beaches (ranking top in the world) go on for miles.

I often find myself defending my town.

So, when someone finds out I'm a Yankee in disguise, I do not offer the same kind of passion nor the same defense of my Midwestern roots. Most people down here have never been to a farm, so I let them believe the stereotypes.

It's still hard to know which answer to give. Stay true to the town I spent the first few years of my life or the town I spent the last few? Go with technicality or passion?

Then I remind myself that home is where the heart is.

And I know exactly where my heart lies.

That makes my answer to "where are you from?" somewhat easier.