the road not taken

I shall be telling you this with a sigh
Somehow ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken

Choices.

That's what it all comes down to in life - the choices you make. Or the ones you don't.

Often times, you make the right choice and are duly rewarded. Sometimes, you make the wrong choice and you learn quickly of your mistake. And there are times, when you make one of those two choices - right or wrong; black or white - and you never really learn which choice you made. If it was good or bad, right or wrong. You're left to wonder in the gray area.

As a perfectionist (in denial, I might add) choices are hard for me. No matter what I choose, I always think I'm making the wrong choice. It's hard to know - to leap blindly towards the future by making a choice - if you're ever going to pick the right thing.

I put off choosing what I'd be going to graduate school for until weeks before I graduated from undergrad. And the stress that led towards that decision was nearly unbearable. The choices that lay before me were numerous and daunting. All of them with good points, yet all of them with negative points as well.

But then, I finally chose and leapt blindly, faithfully, towards my decision.

Many things went into that choice. My ability to get into the program, the chance to do something good in the world, the belief that I was perfectly suited for the degree. There was also one thing that drove me towards my decision - how absolutely, perfectly practical the degree was.

I realize that most people turn their nose up when I mention that I'm getting my masters in nonprofit management. Most people don't really know what it is and are turned off by the words 'nonprofit' But what most people don't understand that the degree itself, is helpful, not only in the world of charitable organizations, but in every sector. Yes, my concentration is nonprofits, but the curriculum is filled with management courses (even accounting courses).

So, yes, my degree is practical. It's also something that ensures I will be helping people and serving my community and fellow man.

But here's the thing: I'm starting to doubt just how good this practical choice was for me. I often leave class in confusion or tears - sometimes both. After spending 2.5 extra hours after class where I was ridiculed and had a paper torn to shreds by a professor, those niggling little doubts that I chose the wrong thing began to pop to the front of my mind.

Perhaps it's the stress. Or the blow to my ego. Maybe it's everything combined that's making it difficult right now and I'll grow out of it with time. But right now, in this moment, I wish I would have picked on terms of passion instead of practicality.

I wish I would have picked the road less traveled.

Maybe that would have made a world of difference.

Or maybe not.

But, for now, I'll just continue to live in the gray area until I know for sure.