there's no place like home

When I was a little girl, my very favorite movie was The Wizard of Oz. I have undoubtedly seen it thousands of times. I idolized Dorothy and those ruby slippers of hers (I was even gifted with a pair of my own for a birthday). I dreamt of flying somewhere over the rainbow and going to the Emerald City.

The message in The Wizard of Oz is a simple yet profound one: there's no place like home.

Just like I found myself doing when I was a little girl, chanting that line over and clicking my heels together, I find myself wishing magic like that actually existed and I could click myself back home.

Or that I still had those ruby slippers of mine...

Just last week, my best friend has accused me of being happy and it felt really good to be out on my own, with things coming together, and no hint of homesickness to be felt. I thought if I could just survive that first week, everything else would be smooth sailing.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

Two weeks in and I'm miserable. I'm overwhelmed. I'm feeling defeated. I'm feeling completely and utterly homesick. There's that dull ache in my chest that yearns to go back home and see those shining, familiar faces; to be embraced by those I love and cherish.

There is an overwhelming pull to get my life back.

My old life filled with familiar, friendly faces. Filled with routines and stability; comfort and peace. That is what I yearn most for in this sea of changes.

The new job seems to be sucking the life right from me. This city and it's massive amounts of people and traffic seem to be driving me to the brink. And I've decided graduate school is surely code for hell, they just charge more for the price of admission.

In trying to survive all of that in one horrible week has left me simply with the urge to return home and be taken in by loved ones. Sympathized with and given promises of hope. I need their strength to carry me through the next week and the next.

Even if that means a 3.5 hour drive each way. The pull is too strong; the urge too hard to ignore; and the ache in my chest only growing with each hour that I am not within the familiar bonds of my home.

So, I will be clicking my ruby slippers together in the morning, because, after all:

there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...

at what cost?

In today's economy, with people losing their jobs left and right, and with new ones almost impossible to come by, I know I should be thanking my lucky stars that I was basically handed a job on a silver platter and was unemployed for a total of 9 days.

However, with a total of 3 days in, I'm beginning to wonder if it really was all for the best. Of course I'll be getting a paycheck and able to pay all of my bills.

But sometimes you have to ask yourself at what cost?

I will admit that last night, I cried as I drove home last night from work. It was the culmination of desperately missing everyone from my old job and knowing I don't really fit in with my new coworkers. It was knowing I was the best at what I used to do and knowing that now, I am the very worst and know next to nothing. It's how absolutely uncomfortable I feel there.

Is a paycheck worth all of those things?

I realize that there is always a period of adjustment when you start a new job. Always. You go through that period of feeling like you'll never learn how it's all done or you'll never truly get a concept. I fully understand that - it's a given with any job.

I'm just not sure that's what this is.

There's also the fact that this is what I used to do, it's just doing it somewhere else. And in doing that, I need to break all of old habits and form new ones. Which isn't unreasonable, of course. It just seems that way when I think the old way is better than this new way. Old habits die hard, I suppose. But maybe those old ways are the better way to do things. Those are the ways I feel comfortable doing everything. These new ways? I'm not comfortable doing them and I'm not sure that I ever will be.

Is feeling like you're losing all those wonderful things you learned and never feeling right with what you're doing, 40 hours a week, worth that paycheck?

Is working 40 hours worth your schoolwork suffering and wasting the $3000 you spent on tuition? Is it worth driving 40 minutes there and back? Is it worth not getting home until close to midnight worth it, especially when you have to be up early the next day to go to school? Is it worth missing Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family and friends?

Yes. I am receiving a paycheck. A paycheck most people would kill for right now in this economy. But is it really worth what it's costing me?

the first day of school

I've always been one to consider the first day of school a big day. Whether it's the first day of high school, college, beauty school. I think it's a milestone in your life. The very first day. Time for a fresh start - a new year, new faces, new notebooks. Everything starts anew and the future lays before you a blank slate, ready for you to make your mark.

It's a day for endless possibilities.

In the spirit of those new possibilities before me, I woke up at the crack of dawn (6:30 am!) to get ready for the day before me. That mostly included throwing on some clothes and doing some last minute reading for the first day of class (why yes, I am a slacker already, before school even starts).

And because new beginnings always mean new wardrobes - at least they do for me - I had some new clothes to pick from for my first day of school outfit. Even though it's grad school I'm starting, I still think requires a back-to-school outfit for the first day. There's plenty of time in the semester to slink back to jeans and t-shirts, the first day requires something special.

With no audience (my mother) to model all my choices for, I debated with myself what I should wear. Professional? Casual? Business casual? I wasn't quite sure what grad school would call for or what the other students would be supporting, so I played it safe and went with this:

Dark wash trouser jeans and a deep red blouse. So, a business-casual-ish look. With cute brown Mary Janes ($15 at Target!).

I paired it all with the necklace above. This necklace is not only an accessory but a little boost of courage. Beneath the compass is a line from my favorite poem, Invictus by Henley which always reminds me that it is within me to succeed. That I am the one who has the power to break me or make me.

It's inspiring. Two simple little lines from a poem gives me all the courage I need to leap blindly into the future; into the endless possibilities awaiting me.

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley, Invictus.

berry berry busy

I had thought that my first week of living here would be basically spent in my new apartment. Unpacking, arranging, and organizing. I thought I'd only leave my apartment for a trip to the grocery store. It hasn't really gone that way, however. I've been forced to leave the confines of my apartment every single day since I've been here. Mostly for work-related stuff. It's just that each jaunt to my new place of employment requires a 35 minute drive both ways.

Come Saturday, things will only get busier and more hectic. Saturday marks my first day of graduate school (yes - Saturday). With only a couple days left until I start school, my nerves are starting to kick in. I haven't been to school in 9 months and I've rather enjoyed the break. So, it's going to be hard going back. Especially to a new campus, in a new town, with a graduate-level workload.

I've started being a slacker student already, so I'm not off to the greatest start. Tonight was new student orientation and in the midst of the move, I didn't RSVP in time, so... no orientation for me. But, I find that orientations are usually hours of my life I'll never get back and I usually leave more confused than when I came.

So, I'm just enjoying these last free days of mine (though, they haven't been completely free) until I start school on Saturday and my first day of work at my new job on Monday.

I will be a very, very busy bee, that is fact. So, in the spirit of my upcoming business, I decided I would need to have a very portable breakfast/snack for my long commutes to school and work. Hence, my berry berry smoothie. I whipped this up this morning so I'd have something to eat (drink) in the car on my way to the workplace to fill out paperwork. Be forewarned, I am not, by any means, a cook, so... just because this is edible to me, doesn't mean it will be to others.

Megan's Berry Berry Smoothie:

• Handful of ice
• 1 cup of frozen mixed berries (I used strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries).
• Two-ish pours of Stonyfield Plain Organic yogurt (I don't eat plain yogurt by itself, but it's great for smoothies. And organic is where it's at. I try my best to eat as organically as possible).
• 3/4 of a banana
• ... and because 'green' smoothies are all the rage on a lot of food blogs I frequent, I tried a big pinch of spinach.
  
  

  

Blend all ingredients (which are just approximates of what I put into my smoothie) until they're a smoothie-like consistency. And enjoy!

I think next time, I'd add the whole banana and some more yogurt, probably the entire serving size, which is 1 cup. And I could probably even do with more spinach, because, honestly, I wasn't able to taste it. A great way to hide the greens!

It really was a great, healthy antioxidant packed smoothie. Perfect for on-the-go busy bees.

the beginning of something

Today, as I was texting my best friend a play-by-play of my adventures downtown, she told me I sounded happy.

The funny thing is, she was kind of right. I did feel happy. Somehow, by some sort of miracle, things have come together in the 5 days that I've lived here. My apartment looks good (even if it's occupied by a ghost). I found a job in 4 days. I've made plans for next weekend with a sweet friend of a friend who offered to show me around and introduce me to her friends.

And today, when I drove downtown to fill out some paperwork for my new job, I decided to venture out and drive around to see what I would stumble across. And stumble I did.

I drove past the water again. The water is such an anchor for me. Just to see it, I feel like I'll never get lost. It also reminds me of home.

Of course, the beaches here don't even compare to the beaches back home.

Anyways. I continued along and somehow entered into the cute little downtown area. This also reminds me of home. With its cute little colorful shops and palm trees and plentiful eateries.

I might have fallen in love.

It surprised me how happy I did feel driving through the colorful little downtown. I hadn't expected what I had wandered into and how much it reminded me of our cute little downtown back home. Except with bigger buildings and more traffic and people surrounding it.

I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could be happy here. With these cute little shops and restaurants. The vibe just felt right to me - comfortable and normal. Like I was right back to where I belonged.

This might not ever really be my home, but it might not be so bad in the interim.

After all, you know what they say: home is where the heart is.

I know where my heart resides and it's not in those cute little colorful shops or funky restaurants. No matter how bright or unique or lovely they all were, they'll never quite compare to home.

*photo = cute downtown area i speak of

don't drive and take pictures, it's dangerous, you know

on this day

On this day, August 18th, 2009 (AD, in case anyone wasn't clear), I did the following:

I went on my first job interview in 3.5 years. I have only ever been on two job interviews in my life. And while I know that sounds very pathetic, I have only ever had two jobs in my life. This job isn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, since it is what I just finished doing, but it practically landed in my lap with very little effort, so I couldn't just ignore it. Especially not in this job market.

The interview went very, very well. The people were very nice and friendly. I felt very good about how I interviewed. I left feeling very confident. When I got home (and took a nap) I sent the HR lady a thank you e-mail. Less than one hour later, she called to offer me the job.

So, on this day, August 18th, 2009, I got myself a job. I was unemployed for 4 days. Not even an entire week.

On this day, August 18th, 2009, I finally discovered the water here, on this side of the state! I have to say as soon as I spotted the water, my heart dropped in relief a little. It's been an odd feeling, living here, and not knowing where the heck the water is. I am so accustomed to having the water as my compass that I felt rather unbalanced here.

Also, on this day, August 18th, 2009, I attempted to make my first dinner in my own kitchen for the first time. On the menu was chicken enchiladas. I've never made them before. I didn't have a recipe to follow. So, I just went with what I thought would taste good. It was really a mish-mash of ingredients that sounded right. Black beans, rice, chicken, enchilada sauce, cheese...

It all sounded so good in my head.

But when I tasted my creation, not so good.

So, cooking attempt #1 = FAIL!

And that is what I did on this day, August 18th, 2009.

a few of my favorite things

These are a few of my favorite things from my apartment. After months and months of collecting things, it's wonderful to see everything come together.

1) Pot = target (clearance!) 2) Hand soap = Bath & Body Works

3) Tea Kettle = a gift from my mom 4) Vase = vintage, from Etsy

5) Mugs = Target 6) Travel posters = art.com

7) Lamp = IKEA 8) Bird cage = Target

9) Pillow = IKEA 10) Milk glass bowl = Vintage from etsy; lemons = Target

11) 'Dream Out Loud' = a gift (but I think it's from Hallmark) 12) Bedding = Urban Outfitters; bed = IKEA

13) Picture frame = etsy; picture = vintage polaroid of the grandparents 14) Bird towel = sewn by friend

15) Bird plate = cute little shop in Mykonos, Greece